In the premier episode of Why We Foster, we’re diving right in with the number one reason why people don’t foster: Saying goodbye when your foster pet gets adopted.
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This episode was produced and hosted by Stacey Axelrod. Kate Trahan is our Assistant Producer. Sarah Brasky is our Editorial Director. Sound mixing and mastering by Jack Braglia.
Why We Foster was created by NYC Pet Photographer Stacey Axelrod and brought to you by Foster Dogs, the leading organization in creating positive, inclusive foster communities.
Support the show with a donation to Foster Dogs!
Transcript:
Tracy Slagle: I really truly believe that goodbye is the goal. And so I think about how can I prepare this dog or this cat for their forever home? And it is going to be sad when someone comes and picks up this new animal, but at the same time, like you did it, like you prepared this dog or this cat, and now they are living their best life, you know?
Stacey Axelrod: Hello and Welcome! This is Why We Foster, the very first podcast about the pet foster community. I'm your host, NYC Pet Photographer Stacey Axelrod, and I am so excited to be your guide into this community that I love so much.
The quote you just heard at the top of the show came from Tracy Slagle, a cat rescuer and senior dog foster parent here in New York City.
Now... you might be wondering why we're starting this show with the topic of Goodbye. I mean, hello?! We're just getting to know each other! But here's the thing... fostering is all about goodbyes. That is the primary goal after all: to say goodbye to your foster pet. It's another adoption to celebrate, another family completed, one less homeless pet. Your job here is done... at least until the next one comes along!
Saying goodbye is also the #1 reason why people don't foster. When I tell people about fostering, they almost always say "that sounds so awesome, but I would never be able to let them go!" They're afraid of getting too attached to their foster pets.
Even for me, after a decade of working and volunteering in animal rescue, it's still hard to imagine saying goodbye to a foster pet. That's because, believe it or not, I have never actually fostered a pet! That's right... I'm hosting a podcast about fostering, but I'm not yet a foster.
In fact, many of the people featured in this podcast have never actually fostered a pet in their home! And that's one of the really awesome things about the foster and rescue community: it's open to everyone and there are so many different ways to get involved.
And the same goes for this podcast: this show is not just for current or prospective fosters, or dog people versus cat people. If you have even the slightest interest in the human-animal bond... and an appreciation for audio storytelling... then this show is for you and I am so happy you're here!
BUT... I must warn you. Even though you can get involved in the community and enjoy this show without ever fostering a pet, you will eventually experience the bittersweet moment of saying goodbye in some way or another.
I'll let our friend Dan Schachner, the Puppy Bowl Referee, describe it from his experience, both as a foster and as someone whose job requires him to meet a whole lotta foster pets.
Dan Schachner: The sadness that you feel, after doing this for so many years, it's more of a nostalgia than it is an immediate sadness.
But I'll tell you, having done this almost 40 times, there is nothing better than the moment where you deliver a dog to its forever home. It's always the sweetest moment. The fact that I get to relive that over and over and over again throughout the years... it just feels like Christmas morning over and over again.
Stacey Axelrod: Each foster pet has their own story, their own journey... And every single person who was involved in that pet's story along the way will feel it when that pet gets adopted. Like I said, fostering is all about goodbyes. But more often than not, saying goodbye is a wonderful celebration. And usually, it's also the beginning of a new story.
Dan Schachner: Afterwards, when the house is quiet, when the house is empty, and you miss the fur balls that were left behind, or the little bit of extra saliva, or the begging at mealtimes, or the 6AM wake up calls to go out and pee... There is going to be some nostalgia that fills you, but it's generally warm, and it's not bitter, or too too sad. It's just a little bit of a longing. And honestly, that just fuels me to foster another dog.
Stacey Axelrod: Throughout this show, you're going to hear from a lot of different people who are all at different points of their foster journey, including people who have never fostered and people who are just getting started.
In this episode, you'll be hearing from a lot of veteran foster parents. They're the ones who no longer fear the moment of goodbye, but rather look forward to celebrating each adoption and then doing it all over again.
They’re people like Bailey Spiteri, a self-proclaimed 'multi-hyphenate' in Philadelphia, who started fostering dogs about a year ago.
Bailey Spiteri: It wasn't until the beginning of the pandemic, actually. Now at this point I'm almost graduated and I have my own apartment by myself and I have a job and I don't have to go to class anymore because of COVID, and I was just sitting at home all day. And I mean, honestly, my mental health was deteriorating a lot because my primary career path, I'm a musician, a classical musician, and I was watching my livelihood, um, die, you know? So it was like, I wasn't feeling good.
So I started, fostering through our local animal control ACCT Philly. And it was just like, I don't know, the rest of it just happened. My first ever foster dog was a dog named Blaze and he was actually a death row dog. So yeah, they just threw me right in there.
Stacey Axelrod: Whenever I talk to really experienced foster parents like Bailey, I'm always so curious how they feel about saying goodbye after so many foster pets have come and gone through their homes. Here's Leslie Harris, a foster friend of mine here in New York City.
Leslie Harris: You know, everybody tells you it gets easier. It absolutely gets easier, and I also have reframed the way I think about fostering. I don't think of it as having a foster dog. I think of it as an act of volunteering and an act of charity.
Stacey Axelrod: Leslie and I met as volunteers for Foster Dogs, the non-profit organization behind this podcast! She and her husband started fostering senior pets shortly after she joined the Foster Dogs team.
Leslie Harris: The first foster we had was Honey. Sarah called me up and she said, we have this dog. We want to help. She's a 16 year old. And I was like, All right. Like, I remember I was at work and there was this such a sense of urgency of like, I'm sorry, I need to leave. I need to go to a shelter and rescue a dog! Like that was like, it became such a, like such a, a solid mission that I accepted. It was like the work fell away.
And I didn't have a leash, I didn't, I didn't have anything to pick up a dog. Right. And I was like, all right, I'm just going to learn as I go, and this is going to be fun. Like I just showed up. And I was like, here's my, here's my leash and my collar, and we did her first walk! And then we took her home and she was terribly matted and she had like poop and pee, kinda like, she's just, she's just, she wasn't in great shape.
Stacey Axelrod: Luckily, Leslie was more than prepared to give Honey the beauty treatment she so desperately needed.
Leslie Harris: Working in beauty, the idea of a great before and after is just what everybody wants in beauty. So being able to take this dog home and give her a bath and make her feel and look, you know, better than she, she was at the start. I was like, oh my God, how does every beauty person not want to foster dogs? This is amazing! And I still remember dropping Honey off, and I cried so much when I dropped Honey off.
Stacey Axelrod: Like most veteran foster parents, Leslie distinctly remembers that very first time she said goodbye.
Leslie Harris: I remember it was this like gray morning and I had taken this Cocka-whatever-she-was, she's probably like 20 pounds, in a bag on the subway, just dreading it. And it felt so difficult. And I was just, so I felt like, I was happy for Honey, but I was so sad and she, we did the handoff and then I like cried the whole way to work, you know, and I was just a mess.
Stacey Axelrod: But now, after saying goodbye to 15 foster pets, Leslie doesn't dread that moment at all...
Leslie Harris: I think once, like I knew in my mind, and in my heart, what my role was, it made it a lot easier. But it was that first process of seeing your role in fostering through a slightly different lens than maybe you might've had when you first started fostering.
Because it's about the dog and it's not about us. And knowing that your job is to get them in good shape, to go to a home... When they go to that home, there's such a sense of accomplishment rather than loss. And we talk about the dogs as graduating, and then we have like a happy ritual at the end. It changes the frame of the experience and what your role is in the dog's journey of finding a forever home. And when you see the new home and you meet the new family and the just excitement that they have, and that you've been part of this match, and been part of creating that, that animal human bond, is so satisfying. It's such a thrill, you know?
Stacey Axelrod: I have interviewed a lot of people for this podcast so far and I always ask what advice they would give to someone who is afraid of saying goodbye. Almost everyone said that it gets easier once you reframe the experience and focus on your role in the pet's journey to a forever family.
Here's Alex Lloyd, a fellow pet photographer and rescue volunteer, who perfectly summed up the advice that everyone gave me:
Alex Lloyd: Fostering is such a mindset. If you go into it thinking about potentially adopting the dog, then you're not putting yourself in a real foster mindset.
Stacey Axelrod: A real Foster Mindset...that seems to be the key here...
Now, if you're like me and you're thinking "it can't always be that easy to say goodbye"...then you would be correct. Every so often, a foster pet comes along and challenges that Foster Mindset. Almost everyone I talked to had a difficult goodbye story to share.
Usually, those stories end in a Foster Fail, which is not as bad as it sounds... in fact, it's not a bad thing at all! You'll be hearing a lot of those stories in future episodes of Why We Foster, but for now, all you need to know is that a Foster Fail is when you adopt your foster pet!
Remember Bailey, the classical musician in Philadelphia who started fostering dogs during the pandemic?
Bailey Spiteri: And I've had, let's see, it must be four or five foster dogs and I actually Foster Failed recently, oopsie, um, on my dog Talullah because she's just a wonderful fit for my life and she's, she's very happy here. So, you know, the decision kind of came down to like, I, it doesn't make any sense to move this dog. She loves it here.
Stacey Axelrod: But sometimes, you might foster a pet who challenges that Foster Mindset in a different way. For Bailey, that pet was a dog named Chloe.
Bailey Spiteri: Oh, yeah. I am the first person to admit some mistakes because I came in just kind of bright eyed, bushy tailed, ready to go. I was like, give me the worst dog ever, the most aggressive dog, I'll take her, whatever it is. Because I live alone and I have the space and time to dedicate, you know, towards that.
And my last foster, before Talullah came along, is actually an ACC dog, Chloe. She was with me for five months? Six months? A long time. I think everybody at the rescue, we didn't really quite know the extent of her behavioral issues. This is a dog who was barking at city noises 24 hours a day. She woke me up in the middle of the night barking.
And the first day my boyfriend came marching on into the house and boy, did we get surprised! He opened the door and she basically charged him, and was barking and showing her teeth and we were like, whoa! And you know, it was something that she's worked on and gotten so much better at, but it was definitely scary and shocking. And I, I had a lot of ethical considerations about giving that responsibility to somebody else.
So for the most part, I mean, I did post about her a lot on social media. She did not have any interest for adopters, and I didn't entertain any interest with adopters until I felt like I knew I had a handle on who she really was. And honestly, if it was safe to rehome her, because I care about, you know, I mean, of course I care about the dogs, but I also care about people and I didn't want to put other people in a situation where they were taking a dog home that was a liability. Like I knew I needed somebody who wanted to save a dog and wanted to change their life for a dog.
Stacey Axelrod: I asked Bailey how she maintained the Foster Mindset and remained focused on the goal of goodbye... the goal of adoption.
Bailey Spiteri: My goal was to, by the time she would leave foster care with me, was that she could start to have a positive association with all the things, including my boyfriend, who scared the living bejesus out of her.
And I mean, if I'm being honest, I considered keeping her for a long time. She's a troubled dog and I knew that, you know, if I couldn't find the right person, I was going to have to make some serious lifestyle changes and probably leave the city, if I'm being honest.
Stacey Axelrod: Well, as we already know, Bailey adopted her NEXT foster dog, the glorious land hippo Talullah, because she did not end up keeping Chloe. Soooo... how'd that happen?
Bailey Spiteri: There is somebody out there for almost every dog, I have to say. You'd be surprised. I'm, I'm the Debbie downer of my rescue team, for sure. I'm always like, Oh, who's gonna want this dog, you know? But there are a lot of really compassionate people out there that want to help dogs in order to really thrive. I was like, who's gonna, you know, who's going to deal with all this, but people do, you know, they want to.
Stacey Axelrod: So Bailey decided that Chloe was finally ready for adoption and the shelter started taking applications.
Bailey Spiteri: She got maybe three. And two of them, I ruled out immediately as no. And then the last one was Matt, who is literally an angel walking on this earth and is her current, her forever dad, Matt and his brother Mark. This, I have to share this story because it's like, literally makes me tear up.
So my best friend, Serena, she loved Chloe. Chloe loved her. And towards the end, when I was getting nervous about not finding a home, she was like, there's no way, like we have to do everything we can, we have to search all ends of the earth for this person. And so she went to the coffee shop that she used to work at and asked them to put up flyers on their Instagram for Chloe.
And Matt, he'd been searching for a dog for like almost a year, and saw it on the coffee shop story cause he's a regular there. And that's how he found us. He lives with his younger brother, Mark, who is on the autism spectrum.
And so you know, we talked on the phone and we were just like crying and he was like, she's perfect, and I, and I think he, when he heard her story and about her issues with people and, and, and dogs and things. I think him and Mark kind of saw something in themselves in her, because Mark, you know, as someone who's on the spectrum, has social issues. And they welcomed Chloe as a special needs dog. And let me tell you, I've never met somebody more in love with a dog. He accepts her, and that's what I find so noble about the whole story, is he accepts her for who she is and was willing and capable of creating a management situation for her that makes her life meaningful.
And I think that's really, like, my ultimate foster story, because I feel like we have to approach dog ownership like finding a life partner in so many ways of, you know, really looking at what are you willing to do? What are you not willing to do for this dog? And, you know, they're a match. She's the perfect size for him, her energy level is perfect for what he wants, and honestly, he doesn't really care that she hates people cause they both hate people, you know? I mean, they have a small circle, and he doesn't mind that she's a bit protective.
But you know, I miss her, I miss her to death. I actually haven't seen her since she's gotten adopted. Um, and I, I will see her as soon as, uh, COVID calms down a little bit.
Stacey Axelrod: Bailey said goodbye to Chloe in July of 2020 and she decided to commemorate the experience with a tattoo of Chloe. You can actually see that tattoo and some pictures of Chloe on our Why We Foster Instagram, where we'll be sharing extra content along with each episode!
So now that Chloe has fully settled into her forever home with Matt and Mark, I wondered how Bailey felt about that period of time when her Foster Mindset was really challenged. I asked if she had any regrets about not keeping Chloe.
Bailey Spiteri: Well, I'm definitely glad I didn't, for a lot of reasons. I think we would have had to navigate our whole lives around her in a way that didn't make sense for us. And I don't even know if we could have ultimately given her what she needed.
And so I think, it was a real miracle what happened, and it doesn't, disclaimer, it doesn't always go that way, and I feel so blessed that it did. But I am glad that she found this because I think it was, I think it was the right thing for me to keep going and not to give up.
I mean, I have so many reasons why people should foster, but especially for dogs like her. There was no chance that she'd get adopted straight out of the shelter and it would work out. Because she'd get home and people would experience what I experienced. And guess what, I would say half, more than half the people would be sending her right back to the shelter.
I think for me, what was wonderful to see was my role as the intermediate step, like the bridge between what was her past life to, you know, who she gets to be now. It was just really fun. I mean, it's what made me want to become a dog trainer. Because I saw the power of just compassion and patience and empathy for dogs. Like how cool is that?
Sarah Brasky: Hi! I'm Sarah Brasky, the founder of Foster Dogs Incorporated. Thank you so much for listening to the very first episode of our new podcast, Why We Foster.
Now, we want to hear from you! Do you have a goodbye story to share or a question about fostering? Send us a recording or share with #whywefoster and we might feature it on an upcoming episode of Why We Foster!
Right now we're working on a bonus episode all about saying goodbye. So...If you foster pets, tell us how you celebrate or commemorate each adoption from your home. Do you have any fun traditions to mark the occasion? If you're new to this community and curious about fostering, how do you feel about that moment of goodbye?
The Why We Foster Voicemail is available 24/7 for anyone anywhere who has anything to share about fostering. Simply call 929-FOSTER-2 and leave a message. That's 929-367-8372. You can also record your own audio and email it to us at podcast@fosterdogsnyc.com!
Sari Krieger Rivera: So I, I originally took on a litter, what was supposed to be, a litter of three babies. And one of those babies had babies. So... [laughs]
Stacey Axelrod: This fun story about adventures in guinea pig fostering comes to us from Sari Krieger Rivera. Sari is one of many veteran foster parents who mentioned a pretty fool-proof way to maintain that strong Foster Mindset...
Sari Krieger Rivera: I think part of what helps in, in giving up your foster animals is taking in an animal or group of animals whatever that you know you can't keep long-term. So there's no, like, maybe, maybe I can keep them, maybe I can't. If you know it's not an option, you're just not going to have that expectation. I think it's a lot about expectations. You know, people, people like to have certainty in their lives as much as possible, and if there is an uncertainty over whether maybe you could or should keep the animal long-term, I think that's what, what causes a lot of conflicting feelings.
Stacey Axelrod: So if the uncertainty of when or how you will say goodbye to your foster pet stresses you out... then eliminate that uncertainty by fostering pets you can't or don't want to keep. A lot of people I talked to shared similar advice... and some even suggested it as a strategy to make Goodbyes a bit easier. Here's Sari's story...
Sari Krieger Rivera: So when I brought in all these Guinea pigs, first of all, I don't really have space in my one bedroom apartment to keep all of these Guinea pigs, even with the three. So I knew it had to be short term. And then, the three Guinea pigs I took in, one of them, turns out, was looking oddly pear shaped. Um, so she had three babies on December 15th. But whatever, you know, I made a commitment to, to the three. Why not the six?
So now I have six Guinea pigs plus my own. So I have seven Guinea pigs plus a rabbit and a dog in a one bedroom apartment. So that's too many. So, um, you know, I know for sure I cannot keep them, uh, so that, that really helps, um, just knowing, you know, knowing what to expect, going into it. There's no ifs, ands, or buts. You know they're gonna leave. And you know not only they're going to leave because that's what you've decided, but you know they're going to leave because that's what's best for them.
So I know I don't have the space for them to properly run around and have a big enough cage. So that makes me feel okay about adopting them out. And actually two of the original three are going home on Thursday. A young woman in New Jersey is adopting them and they're going to get a wonderful home, and you know, I know they're going to have a better life with her than they would with me. You know, I just don't have the space here and they'll, they'll get spoiled there and they'll, they'll have a lot more fun running around and, I'm, I'm happy for them. I'm sure I'll be a little sad when they leave.
It reminds me of... I used to be really afraid of flying and I took this fear of flying course called SOAR and one of the things that it recommended was committing to getting on that plane. Because once you've made the decision, you're going to be less anxious. But if you're iffy, you're like, Oh, I don't know, maybe I shouldn't, you know. So I am a hundred percent committed to getting these guys a home that is more suitable for them than mine. And so it's like the plane door is closed. They're ready to fly off to their new home and I'm, I'm fine with it.
Stacey Axelrod: That story from Sari was recorded back in December of 2020 and I checked back in with her just yesterday, the day before the release of this episode. Two of the original three guinea pigs, Tot and Spud, got adopted back in December.
Mama Pig Tater and her three babies had to stay with Sari a bit longer. And today is actually the day that Sari is doing a home visit with a very promising adopter for Tater and her daughter Lentil. Hopefully we'll all be able to celebrate that adoption together soon.
Tater's rambunctious sons, Chickpea and Turnip, are still available for adoption! You can visit bunniesandbeyond.org for more info about adopting them or getting involved with their rescue! We'll also share photos of all the little piggies--including Tater looking oddly pear-shaped--on the Why We Foster Instagram.
After talking with all these foster parents, I learned that saying goodbye really does get easier, especially when you reframe that moment as a celebratory adoption rather than a sad goodbye. But it's also important to remember that fostering is a journey and each pet will present you with a completely unique experience.
Here on Why We Foster, we want to show you what it's really like to be part of the pet foster community: The good, the bad...the moments of joy and the moments of sadness...and of course, we'll be meeting tons of adorable pets along the way. We'll take you inside the homes and shelters where foster pets begin their journeys. And you'll meet real people, just like you and me, as they ride the rollercoaster of emotions that is the foster experience. Here's Bailey again...
Bailey Spiteri: Yeah, it's super hard. That's the reality of it. I'm a big smushy baby and I cry a lot. And you know, it's, it is sad, of course, like I miss them all. and those moments leading up to them getting picked up are the worst, you know, because you're giving your baby away, you know?
So I think I knew from the beginning that it was going to be emotional for me and I allowed myself to feel it. I did not shove it down. I, oh, definitely allowed myself to, the night before, have a good cry, just like holding the dog. I think the night before is actually the hardest part, when you know that they're leaving the next day and you start saying, Oh, it's the last time we're going on a walk together. And, Oh, it's our last dinner and our last this, like that sucks.
Um, and it's sad, but the second you see that family walk away with their new best friend... I start crying for a completely different reason, cause it's so beautiful and it's so satisfying to be like, yes, I did this and now this dog has a home for real. It's that feeling after of knowing you saved that dog's life and you gave it the best gift you could ever give a dog, which is like a family... that makes it worth it.
Stacey Axelrod: Thanks so much for tuning in to Why We Foster. If you enjoyed the show, please subscribe now. If you really enjoyed the show and you want to show some love to our volunteer production team, we would appreciate your support with a rating or review on your podcast app of choice! Why We Foster is available on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, iHeartRadio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. If you know someone who might enjoy the show, please share it with them and help them subscribe! You can also follow us on Instagram at @WhyWeFoster and visit WhyWeFoster.com for more info about the show.
Why We Foster is produced by me along with Foster Dogs Incorporated, the leading organization in creating positive, inclusive foster communities by providing support, experience, and innovative programs. You can follow Foster Dogs on Instagram at @FosterDogs and please consider supporting this incredible non-profit in whatever way you can at FosterDogsNYC.com.
Kate Trahan is our Assistant Producer and Sarah Brasky is our Editorial Director. Audio mixing and mastering by Jack Braglia.
You can find me at petphotographer.nyc or on Instagram at @nycpetphotographer. I'm Stacey Axelrod and this is Why We Foster. Farewell for now, Foster Friends!
